I grew up in an environment that made me want to strive to be independent, and of course, stable. It is so very hard for me to identify my childhood as “good” or “bad”, so I don’t. My mother and father were married 20 years, that is a long time. They legally divorced in August 2010. A divorce that was so messy, ugly and yet shocking. I do believe that they wanted things to work, they did try to work their issues out. They both always said it was “for the kids” though.
My mother drank bad throughout my teen years, she got worse and worse. I watched her alcoholism progress. The wonderful, loving mother I once knew was fading away with her vodka bottle, more and more with every sip she took.
And while my dad was the “adult figure” who showed himself to be financially and emotionally stable, he let anger consume him. I often wonder if his mental and verbal abuse was intentional. He had to have known that he had serious anger and control issues, right? Could my Mother not see the effects of his mental and verbal abuse? To this day I still honestly don’t know the answer to that. What I do know is that I need to move forward and stop this cycle. Some may believe I’m wrong for wanting to get away from my family. [Letting go is hard; but sacrificing a life in line with your inner self to avoid a chapter of pain is suicide.] Sometimes, we are so scared to hurt that we run from making the right choices.
We deserve to take the time to know ourselves- our beliefs, our goals, our dreams, our ideals, and our values. Once we begin to really dig deep and focus on who we are without all the weight, we can begin to see who is adding to our lives and who is subtracting. You deserve to be free from it all – so gather your strength and let yourself be. Listen to those still, small voices of your intuition; they are your beacon of light in the storm.