Author Archives: Callie Artime

About Callie Artime

I'm an undergraduate student pursuing a degree in the Health Sciences field. Idealists, writer, nonprofit worker, dreamer, lover, and a survivor. <3

12/07/2015

Earlier this week I had Monday and Tuesday off of work, which would normally be great for most people. Not me though. I must follow a schedule on the weekdays, stay active and stay outdoors. After an exhausting night at work Sunday, I plopped on my mattress and go into my “hibernation zone” (as my family likes to call it). In my mind, I try to think about how I deserve to relax and rest, so I try to calm the racing, overwhelming thoughts of what has and hasn’t been done on my to-do list – whatever that was earlier on this week. I try to drown out the negative thoughts. I take my last dosage of medication for the day. Finally, peace. I awake Monday afternoon around 2pm, pissed off because I’m already feeling the guilt off not getting my day started earlier, so I persuade myself to fall back into a daze, and I do. No meds taken. Fast forward to the next night, Tuesday around 8pm – Why can’t I just be motivated? WHY? why ? why…? guilt, shame, embarrassment, isolation – it all comes along with the agony of knowing I just wasted two beautiful days inside, on my bed, watching repetitive tv shows and feel even worse.

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Heart so huge, I wonder if they’ll ever know. I hurt, I weep, but maybe it doesn’t show. I worry, I cry, stress then panic. Why is it that my life’s become so manic? Behavior is erratic, don’t know how to take it, predictably an addict. Just rehab for a bit, then go out and fake it. You’re good at it, well not anymore. What is that voice I try to ignore? Thoughts are sporadic, impulsive, to the point. Not meant to hurt, but just to annoint. Life’s so complicated and I’ve raised the stakes high. I want to give it another shot, but I’m afraid of getting denied. You gotta take a chance, give it guts and glory, so by the time you’re where you want to be you can tell your story.

Hello World

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These are the days I live for. The laughter and love I experience with my brother and friend. It’s the little moments of joy we must hold onto and cherish. I believe it’s days like this that give me hope during those low periods in life.