This post is one I can very much relate to. When I began to fall into my depression, I made no contact with friends, started calling in sick to work, and just spent my days laying in bed watching TV. Last year, around the beginning of summer I started to show extreme mood shifts and paranoia, along with isolation, irritability, anxiety, anger, and helplessness. I became so paranoid and frightened to leave my house, and the only time I really did was when my Mother would take me to my doctor appointments. It was like I was forbidden to leave my home, yet I wasn’t at all. No where was safe or pleasant for me. As days passed, my mental functioning became much worse. Woaaah. I remember sitting on my bedroom floor, trying to whisper and hide as I called my older brother, convincing him that I was being watched, stalked and had someone breaking into my laptop and cellphone. I was convinced someone was trying to kill me, specifically poison me. I believe this is when my Mother knew something was seriously wrong. And she was right, there was something wrong with me. I was in complete delusion. This was the summer I experienced my first state of psychosis. I now know that the social isolation and hibernating made things much worse for me and my disorder. I am happy to say that I can now focus on understanding and treating my illness.
Yes, it felt as if I was handcuffed to my house.
Sounds dramatic, doesn’t it? But for countless years, and at times even today, depression = dark fog and black clouds. Recalling my most difficult years of major depression, that’s the way things were.
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