I spent like three hours in Goodwill the other day just browsing through all the used books. Yep, It’s my favourite. But, I found a great book there named, “The Dual Disorders Recovery Book”. You know what the “big book” is I’m guessing? The Alcoholics Anonymous book with all the 12 steps and stuff.  I’ve only read about 40 pages of my book so far, but it’s actually pretty helpful-insight! Its just so crazy to me how one drippy drop of alcohol that enters my Mother’s stomach will ultimately lead to toxic drunkenness= relapse.

I can honestly say that I am not in denial of my pill usage. I know the addiction is there, and I can admit that. I just don’t think I can fully admit what the addiction is destructing (HAS destructed). Maybe it’s because not even a year ago I hated taking my Adderall. Ugh, really it use to give me the worlds fucking worst anxiety and basically make me shit crazy in a super unpleasant way. Something changed around Winter last year though, well nothing way dramatic. All I know is that I lost my job of four years as as manager in January 2014 and it’s killed me ever since. Not some awesome job. Just stability. That’s why my life is beyond confusing and different for me now, because I am so use to having a full-time job, 5 (maybe 6) days a week with no worry of going unpaid. Now… I can’t even earn a few cents from those online survey sites, depressing -_-

Anyway, let’s just stick with the month of March this year, because that is the month that I can remember having a very irrational, cranky, disturbed attitude and perspective towards everyone. I hadn’t slept in probably about 3 nights and that’s when I was still able to get “high” but stay awake for days on end and what not. miserable. Me, Ry, Michael and Joe were all going up to Mike’s lake house for the weekend, as we did have these plans in advance. Unfortunately, I was already feeling like a miserable cow ass sack before we even made it to the close to the lake. I specifically remember the grocery store scenario- Ry, Michael and Joe and myself all made a stop at the Ingles close to where the lake house is, because we had to get food and meals for the next few days. bologna sandwiches and BBQ didn’t the last thing on my foggy mind. But, I promise you I was not at all mad with the fact we were out at the grocery store, shopping for food. When I sit here like this, just trying to re imagine the conversations, emotions and body language that was taking place at the time, I get a bit angry with myself. Not that it’s bad for me to feel that, but how can I recognize what consequences came to me later because I decided to stay up for 3-4 days straight on Adderall with no food, and then I also decided to take my happy ass to a lake house in the worst state of mind. If only I had known, I WAS SETTING MYSELF UP FOR DISASTER!!! why??? -_- [ok, that was a bad time in my life and I must learn to forgive myself in order to move forward].

This was just the beginning of my drug-induced psychosis..

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