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You can’t direct the wind, but can adjust your sails

Our pervasive demand for certainty in an uncertain world – for as we wait for certainty, our life passes us by.

What are some things that happened during your childhood that you find yourself still carrying around with you? What old behavior (or behaviors) still gets in your way? What is the connection between what happened when you were young and those behaviors that get in your way? What does freedom mean to you? Where have you lost yours? Do you think your fears will ever leave entirely? What if they don’t?

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Free Yourself From The Chaos

Hey Callie,

Here’s something about myself that I’ve known for a very long time – I’m impulsively impatient.

By impulsively impatient, I mean that when I’m feeling impatient I say and do things that I wouldn’t normally say or do. And I always end up regretting what I’ve done.

I’m not sure if it’s the New Yorker in me or if I was just born this way but I have to admit, it’s not a quality that I’m necessarily proud of.

Being impatient keeps me on edge.

I find it hard to relax and just go with the flow even when I’m doing the most mundane, everyday things.

Being impatient makes me feel out of control and that’s why I’ve decided to start working on it.

Now, I’m well aware (as you probably are) that implementing news habits can be a pain in the back end.

It’s not easy and there is plenty of room on the road to change for relapse and set backs.

The good news is that developing new habits is challenging for every human being to one degree or another. It doesn’t matter if you are looking to break through your codependent tendencies, quit smoking or are fresh in your recovery. We are all in the same rickety boat.

I’d love to hear all about the tools and techniques you use to keep your recovery going strong. You can share your tips over on the blog. And if there’s something specific that you are struggling with in your recovery, you can leave that over on the blog to. 

If you feel inspired to, please share today’s post with a family member or friend that’s on the road to recovery (from anything)!

Here’s to being more patient – wish me luck:)

Until Next Tuesday,

Dawn

Growing Up Chaotic

Recovering from an addiction is a process that does not end when you leave the rehabilitation center. It involves developing and implementing new habits that will make you a stronger person and change the way you live your life.

Though this is much easier said than done, there are some habits you can implement to slowly ease your way into recovery.

Below are 7 healthy habits for you to consider. Just remember to pick one or two to work on at a time so that you don’t get overwhelmed.

Cook for Yourself

Proper nutrition has not been a high priority and your body has been neglected in connection with your addiction. Cooking at home is a great way to address proper nutritional needs. In addition to assisting with healthy eating, it also offers a great opportunity to have some positive social time with family and friends at home and rebuild self sufficiency while also repairing relationships. Learning to cook new meals is also a great way to explore new things and to master new skills.

Start Running

Addiction affects both the physical and mental health of the body. Running also contains physical and mental elements, but rather than destroying your body, it makes it stronger, as stated here. As you learn how to take care of your body again, add in a little running to work on two parts of your health at once. The endorphins don’t suck either!

Have Daily Quiet Time

Just as it is important to take care of your body physically and mentally, recovery can be made better as you address your spiritual side as well. Take time to focus on your spirituality however that may apply to you. Pray, meditate, do yoga, practice deep breathing exercises, or read inspirational quotes or books. You will find you are able to better able to deal with your emotions, difficult situations, and the growing pains of recovery as you make quiet time a priority.

Volunteer

Looking outside of ourselves and finding ways to serve others is a great way to find success in recovery. There are opportunities within the addiction recovery community such as with 12-step programs to help those going through similar struggles. Volunteering will help to boost your self-esteem, as well as expand your social group, which often needs an adjustment as you strive to form healthier relationships.

Let Go

Part of building new habits is letting go of old ones. In the case of addiction recovery, this means learning to let go of people, environments, and situations that are toxic to you and your recovery. Any of these things can be triggers for a relapse and set you back in the progress you have made. Learn to identify those things that will be potentially harmful and let them become a part of your past. Know your limits and do not try to push them.

Write a Gratitude Journal

Take some time each day to write down a few things for which you are grateful. Some days it might be one thing and other days may lead to a whole page. There are bound to be setbacks in addiction recovery, so having a great list you wrote yourself of the good in your life can do a lot to lighten the burden.

Make a Daily To-Do List

It can be easy to become overwhelmed when you are working to ease yourself back into daily routines. In order to avoid this, make a to-do list each day, with the highest priority items at the top of the list.

Then as the day goes on, cross each completed item off the list. Be realistic when creating the to-do items and do not make the list too long.

As your recovery continues and you become used to your daily routine, you can add additional or more challenging items as you are able to manage them.

Recovery from an addiction is an on-going process and through small, gradual steps you will find yourself healing physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Over time you will be able to focus on the positive and possibly even help others in their journey to recovery.

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Beautiful Kind of Pain

I should be use to this by now. She’s gone once again. I’ve become so immune to the lies and disappointments, Once again, addiction has taken the lead. You know this all too well. I know this all too well. I tell myself it’ll be the last time you get to me. I do hope you’re okay though. It’s time for me to take care of myself now. You’ll always be my Mother, don’t worry. Please remember it’s not too late to help yourself. You did it once before. Have you given up? I hope not. Still, I regret not trying hard enough. I was always here. Adult Children of Alcoholics blame themselves over and over again. I’m one of those children. I’ll always be an adult child of an alcoholic, always. I’ve come to the realization that I have options for myself. I can continue to revolve my life around the addiction and alcoholism, but I won’t. I also have the choice to forgive and make peace with my past. It’s what I need to move forward with my life. It’s time to respect myself. No guilt added.

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A Diminished Will To Survive

If you’re anything like me, you may have faced similar obstacles with your addicted loved one. Sometimes it’s like loving a complete stranger. Loving an addict is no easy task. Due to the very nature of the disease, drug addicts’ personalities are drastically altered. One minute everything is calm; next thing you know chaos erupts and all of life’s boundaries go flying out the window.

It’s safe to assume that the person standing before you today bears little resemblance to the loving and caring individual you knew pre-addiction. Sadly, it’s hard to even remember those days. The days that weren’t consumed of the addiction and all the sorrow that comes along with it..

Regardless the drug of choice, your loved one’s brain has been substantively changed by the disease of addiction. Despite being keenly aware that his actions are self-destructive, the physical and mental obsessions of addiction keep him shackled. I’ve seen it all too well. As if by some form of dark magic, drugs have caused your loved one to morph into a total stranger.

Instead of confronting the disease of addiction, most addicts work to hide its existence. Your loved one is likely no different. He tries desperately to convince you there’s nothing wrong.

When that doesn’t work, he grows angry and lashes out. He’s filled with rage, anger, rejection and denial. Our attempt to intervene has failed once again.

As your loved one sinks deeper into addiction, his desperation intensifies. Between the physiological changes and psychological defenses, addiction becomes both a physical and mental disorder. Once the puzzle pieces are in place, your loved one begins exhibiting emotional immaturity, self-centeredness and irresponsibility. Things that were once important seem so distant and faded. Broken promises, lies, and stealing have become the norm.

Despite the love he feels for you, nothing is more important to your addicted loved one than drugs and alcohol. He’ll do anything to feed his habit…it’s a matter of survival.

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Shake off this sadness, and recover your spirit

Earlier today I was organizing, trying to get ready for my move and all that. I found an encouraging letter my Aunt had given me a few months ago. I wanted to share the encouragement along!

 “You are the perfect you. No one can be a better you, no matter how much they so desire. This does not mean that you don’t have the potential to become more. It simply means that you are not in competition with anyone. When you truly accept the fact that you have all you need to become fully you, you free yourself from a self-created, artificial identity. To be someone you are not takes inordinate amounts of energy that could better go toward a more productive activity. Since you are one of a kind, the message here is clear. You have something tot offer that will never again be possible. To devalue this is not only a tragedy for you, but, in fact, for the world.”


believe

I am only one, but still I am one.

I cannot do everything, but still I can do something.

I will not refuse to do something I can do.

-Helen Keller

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Bipolar Quotations: Perspective and Persistence

“How would your life be different if…you stopped making negative judgmental assumptions about people you encounter? Let today be the day…you look for the good in everyone you meet and respect their journey.” -Steve Maraboli, Life, The Truth and Being Free

 A lot of days I notice my mind consumed of negative thoughts and perceptions. Usually, there isn’t necessary a valid reason as to why. Sometimes this results in me taking my anger out on someone close to me, a loved one. As much as my loved one’s try to understand, the fact remains that they, or anyone else for that matter, will ever be able to control what goes on inside my head at times.

  The other day I was reading an article that mentioned the importance of enjoying the quality time you get to spend with loved one’s. This is something I’ve been struggling with, yet have failed to overcome. Perhaps focusing more on my emotions, perception and attitude towards other’s would help a great deal. Often I feel regretful and guilty after realizing how my negative energy and demeanor effect not only myself, but those around me. I do understand it gets hard for them to fully understand why I begin to suddenly switch mindsets and shift my behavior. Of course it’s not there fault they can’t fully comprehend what’s going on in my mind, but that doesn’t mean I can’t do anything to help better my interactions and relationship with them.

Example: Try putting myself in their shoes for a day. Remind myself that everyone has their own hardships and difficulties in life. We all must learn to cope in our own way, a technique that works well for us. I am beginning to find my inner peace and spiritual power. A personal mantra that inspires, comforts and enriches. Slowly your problems will take on a new perspective. A new perspective on life, the important, the good, and even the bad as well. I don’t know about you, but personally..I need a fresh insight.


afe2820e1bd6202ec0ca18ff16273126Famous quotes on bipolar

Melancholia is the beginning and a part of mania . . . . The development of a mania is really a worsening of the disease (melancholia) rather than a change into another disease.

-Aretaeus of Cappadocia

What a creature of strange moods [Winston Churchill] is – always at the top of the wheel of confidence or at the bottom of an intense depression.
-Lord Beaverbrook

Madness is to think of too many things in succession too fast, or of one thing too exclusively.
-Voltaire

My recovery from manic depression has been an evolution, not a sudden miracle.
-Patty Duke

Evidence is strongly suggesting Bipolar Disorder – previously known as Manic Depression – may be dramatically increasing in modern society.
-Professor Gordon Parker

A very common symptom in maniacal conditions is erotic excitement. This varies from mere coquetry, a somewhat extended application of the command “love one another”, an undue attention to the opposite sex, and so forth, up to the extreme of salacity, when the mind is wholly occupied by the urgent sexual appetite, and all restraint is abandoned.

-Daniel Hack Tuke

Again judging from my own experience, the sexual symptoms of the manic state seem to be the most powerful and important of all . . . . The normal inhibitions disappear, and sexual activity, instead of being placed, as in our Western Christian civilization, in opposition to religion, becomes associated with it. This release of the underlying sexual tension . . . seems to me to be the primary and governing factor of all the ecstasies and many other experiences of the manic state.
-John Custance

Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It’s a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life.

-Carrie Fisher

Share and let us know one of your favorite quotes on bipolar disorder is!

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The First Step To Free Yourself

The truth can be hard to swallow. But, it must be done in order to be free. Free from guilt and regret. You must face the pain and sorrows. In the end, just remember how far you went and how far you’ve gotten. Tell yourself you deserve to move on, continue your journey. Try to see the good, the things that you DO have in your life. No matter what or how much it may be. Life is too short to soak up only the bad things that are thrown our way. For me, I look at my struggles like stepping stones, preparing me for my future. Like I’m slowly becoming the person I truly want to be. There is a purpose for me here on this Universe. Just because it can’t be known today doesn’t give me the right to stop trying.

now fly away

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Katy Perry: Ellen von Unwerth Photoshoot

For those who don’t know..I admit: I am a Katy Perry lover, huge fan. For her music, her voice and talent. She loves her fans as much as they love her ❤

Katy Perry in Ellen von Unwerth Photoshoot for GHD (Photos).

Katy Perry Photoshoot

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40 Reasons Why Everyone Should Meditate

Every day we are seeing more more scientific evidence of the power of meditation. If there is only ONE thing that you do each and every day, it should definitely be meditation.

Here are just some of the many things that meditation can do to enhance your life:

1. Promotes deep levels of rest

2. Reduces anxiety

3. Enhances your immune system

4. Helps with weight loss

5. Alkalizes your body

6. Alleviates pre-menstrual symptoms

7. Lowers cholesterol levels

8. Reduces aging

9. Increases blood flow through the body

10. Reduces muscle tension

11. Regulates breath

12. Reduces headaches and migraines

13. Regulates breathing

14. Reduces high blood pressure

15. Increases energy levels

16. Improves sleep

17. Helps heal depression

18. Increases brain functioning

19. Reduces phobias and fears

20. Helps overcome PTSD

21. Cultivates attention and focus

22. Builds self-confidence

23. Improves your memory

24. Breaks addictions

25. Stabilizes emotional fluctuations

26. Increases oxytocin levels

27. Reduces adrenalin and cortisol levels

28. Helps heal diabetes

29. Increases intuition

30. Increases creativity levels

31. Increases adaptability

32. Enhances your will-power

33. Improves brain coherence

34. Reduces anger and rage

35. Increases sex drive

36. Improves intelligence

37. Assists in finding life purpose

38. Can lead to enlightenment

39. Promotes inner peace

40. Helps you to live in the present

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9 Bad Habits that Impact Mental Health

1. Living the Sedentary Life

It should be zero surprise that researchers at University College London established a link between lack of physical activity and high rates of depression. In fact, you can banish depressive feelings and negativity by up to 20-percnt simply by exercising 3 times per week—even if you’re just taking the stairs and walking to do errands in your neighborhood.

2. Trapped in Toxic Bonds

It often takes a long time to get away from a toxic relationship—let alone to be able to realize the signs that you’re stuck in unhealthy territory. According to scientists at the UCLA School of Medicine, long term, negative social interactions are linked to inflammation, which can develop into cardiovascular disease, cancer, and hypertension. Harmful partner bonds, coworker bonds, family, and friend bonds can also result in low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression. If you think you’re wrapped up in toxic relations, seek help from an unbiased professional or ask the help of a supportive friend or family member.

3. You’re Sleep Deprived

Researchers at Bastyr University consider sleep the foundation for, well, everything, particularly when you consider that during slumber our bodies use this time to reboot all systems—including organ function, central nervous system, brain function, and digestion. If you’re blue, chances are you’re sleep deprived. Learn to power off electronic devices at least 3 hours prior to sleep and create a comforting environment by drinking herbal tea, turning down the lights, and having a warm bath before bed.

4. Digital Record Taking

We’ve all been to concerts where spectators watched through a smartphone camera…and totally missed the real action. A study conducted by health psychologists at Washinton’s Bastyr University, revealed that the more pictures and video taken at an event; the more difficult it was to remember the actual goings on, which is why stronger mental memories result from taking part rather than purely recording an event.

5. The Social Media Void

When was the last time that you had a meaningful conversation with a friend, spouse, or family member that wasn’t over social media? I make the distinction thanks to the wisdom of San-Diego-based behavioral science PhD, Michael Mantell, who claims, “We’ve learned to not have face-to-face connections, only virtual…[Social media] are not true conversations…this instantaneous connection over-stimulates us, lessens our experiences and feelings, impacts attention, [and] demands immediate gratification and expectations [at] the press of a button.” So take a break from social media to foster real, face-to-face connections. Power down for a good chunk of each day to regenerate body and mind to prevent anxiety and depression disorders.

6. You’re Overly Sensitive

If a nasty remark from a coworker or a traffic jam can cause your day to implode, you need to learn to shrug it off.  According to research published in the journal Psychology Today, those who crumble at the first sign of stress have elevated cortisol levels (stress hormone) that lowers immunity and bone density, causes increased blood pressure, cholesterol, and weight gain. On the flip side, laughing off stress leads to a lower risk of depression and stronger overall mental health. So turn that frown upside down by turning a bad day into a good one. Visit a friend, play with your pet, listen to your favorite tunes, or go see a funny movie.

7. You Slouch

Walking around slumped over is considered more than just lazy form by research published in the Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry, which monitored the moods in a group of slouchers and non-slouchers.  Findings concluded that hunching had a negative impact on mood vs. walking with back straight, chin up, and shoulders back put liveliness in steps and overall mood.

8. Lack of “Me” Time

When do you get time for yourself—between work, family, marriage, and social responsibilities? If the answer is never, you’ve pinpointed a prime source of stress and irritability. Book at least 15 minutes each day for you, you and no one else but you. Everyone deserves a mental time out to do something they enjoy.

9. Master Procrastinator

Most procrastination results from feelings of fear and anxiety, according to research from the Association for Psychological Science, which can create a ton of stress around work, family, and social obligations and actually increase stress and lower mental well being. However, the opposite is also true. When we finally tackle a “to-do” we’ve been hesitating over, we boost self-confidence by proving to ourselves that there was nothing to fear to begin with.

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Childhood Abuses: Sometimes emotional more harmful than sexual or physical

I too can relate to this article. I was not sexually abused, but my father was and continues to be very emotionally and verbally abusive. I honestly do believe that this impacted many areas of my life (relationships, self-esteem, isolation, feeling worthless if not gaining approval and so on…”

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Have you ever felt handcuffed to your house?

This post is one I can very much relate to. When I began to fall into my depression, I made no contact with friends, started calling in sick to work, and just spent my days laying in bed watching TV. Last year, around the beginning of summer I started to show extreme mood shifts and paranoia, along with isolation, irritability, anxiety, anger, and helplessness. I became so paranoid and frightened to leave my house, and the only time I really did was when my Mother would take me to my doctor appointments. It was like I was forbidden to leave my home, yet I wasn’t at all. No where was safe or pleasant for me. As days passed, my mental functioning became much worse. Woaaah. I remember sitting on my bedroom floor, trying to whisper and hide as I called my older brother, convincing him that I was being watched, stalked and had someone breaking into my laptop and cellphone. I was convinced someone was trying to kill me, specifically poison me. I believe this is when my Mother knew something was seriously wrong. And she was right, there was something wrong with me. I was in complete delusion. This was the summer I experienced my first state of psychosis. I now know that the social isolation and hibernating made things much worse for me and my disorder. I am happy to say that I can now focus on understanding and treating my illness.

living in stigma

Yes, it felt as if I was handcuffed to my house.

Sounds dramatic, doesn’t it?  But for countless years, and at times even today, depression = dark fog and black clouds.  Recalling my most difficult years of major depression, that’s the way things were.

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Unemployment Shame: How to Deal With It

I really enjoyed this! I can say that I have and am still dealing with being unemployed. It’s so strange to me when someone ask, “Where do you work?”. I think mostly because I’m still in so much shock from all the drastic changes in my life this past year. I went from being a full-time manager, a college student and an independent young female to the complete opposite in a blick of an eye. I’ve worked since I was 16 and I actually enjoyed it, for the most part anyway. When I fell into a depression in November 2013, I just couldn’t do it anymore. Getting up and getting ready for work, whether it be a 4 hour shift or a 10 hour shift, was just to draining for me. My boss worked with me for as long as he could, but I kept letting him down. I began to not care if I was late, then I found myself barely making it to work two times a week. I was eventually let go in September 2014. Now I do hear a lot of, “Have you looked at jobs?”, “So, what’s going on with you finding a job?”. It embarrasses me at times because I do feel lazy, broke, and hopeless now that I have no income and am struggling financially. But, I finally came to the realization that it would be in my best interest to find a job again after I get out of my inpatient treatment for my bipolar disorder. I need to be mentally stable to hold a job down again, and I do know I can do it again. I’ll do it even better this time. I feel like my disorder causes me to have to be much harder on myself, yet I think I’m okay with it.

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Meditation

Meditation

I have to say, I found meditating very helpful. Yesterday my thoughts wouldn’t stop racing. I just couldn’t get it to stop. I jumped up off my bed and grabbed my laptop. Eventually, it led me to this. I never really meditate or anything, but the idea sounded great. After about 20 minutes, I found myself with much calmer nerves, a clearer head and in a state that was much more comfortable & relaxed.

So, a resolution for myself this year is to begin practising techniques to relax and calm my mind. I need to think of the good things that I do have, not only the bad. Do you have any certain exercises to relax? If so, I’d love to know & give them a try!

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Remember, Show Gratitude!

I like this ! It really made me think about what I’ve been through the past two years, good and bad. My mother drank throughout my years growing, mostly the years between 12-19. Unfortunately, I watched her alcoholism progress more and more everyday, which caused me to lose a lot of my faith and hope. But, I’m happy to say that my mother is now 2 years and 3 months sober! Completely Alcohol Free! I’m grateful to have such a strong women in my life, my mom. The experiences that I went through made me realize so much more about life, love, addiction and forgiveness.

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Empowerment with Dr. Diane Davis

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Usually people wait until Thanksgiving to show gratitude, but why not do so every day?

Life throws so much at us.

Undeniably, it is much easier to be grateful for positivity in our lives.

We must learn to also be grateful for negativity as well.

Through negative experiences, we learn lessons that aid our human experience.

So be thankful for the good times as well as the bad.

Acknowledge the silver lining on every dark cloud .

And remember, there is so much to be grateful for.

What are you grateful for? Please share! Leave a comment below!

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Humanity, Equality and Law..

It’s very interesting to me when people talk about the law as if it’s some sort of force of nature or almighty power. “Oh, dont mess with the LAW because it’ll come and getcha!” like, do people not realize that laws are man-made constructions of society? They can, and should, be changed when they no longer serve the people they were once set up to serve in the first place, even more so when said policies were only initially put into place to hinder a very specific group of people. Here’s an example: It is a universal fact that every human being is equal, but it was once American law that African slaves were only worth 3/5ths that of a white male. Our government is one that was created “of the people, for the people, by the people,” dependent on human ideas and human consciousness, so no matter what, there is always a chance for human error.

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Like a Stone

Wow. I can honestly say I have had such a strange week. Let’s just say I experienced a few days of anger, irritability, restlessness, violence, random crying and outbursts, along with hyperactivity, non-stop laughing/giggling, hypersensitivity, and just extreme immaturity. I went through a manic episode that really made me stick out to close family and friends. I say “stick out” because they saw a very ugly side of me which was filled with so much emotion and frustration. I know that being bipolar is no excuse for my actions. Anyone who has experienced this may know that feeling of guilt, confusion, sadness and regret that follows these bizarre behaviours. I thought I was doing so much better at controlling my emotions, but I’ve been lying to myself I guess.

So, I saw my psychiatrists earlier this morning and after talking with her she came to a very controversial conclusion for me. Conclusion= Let’s try new medication for Callie! My doctor is extremely helpful and has never put me on medication that has caused serious side effects/negative effects or what not. We’ve tried a few different medications for my mood this past year. Valproic Acid and Lamictal (Lamotrigine). The valproic acid wasn’t working and doing the job. The lamictal is what I’ve been taking for the past couple months, along with other meds. But, the medication just doesn’t seem to be getting the job done, ya know? My doctor suggested I try Lithium for my bipolar disorder. While I’m not totally against this, I’m not quite sure if I’m comfortable with trying new medication, especially lithium. If you or anyone you personally know has/had experience with this drug, then I’d realllly appreciate some feedback on how it effected them.

I’ve always been pretty open-minded when it comes to finding the right medication. I never imagined I’d be told I could benefit from lithium though.. Why does “Lithium” have such a scary tone to it? Is it just me?

Lithium. How am I suppose to have faith in this medication when I hear so much negativity about it? I feel lots of anxiety and pressure over the situation. My brother, who doesn’t fully understand my mental health issues and diagnosis, said, “Don’t start taking that. That’s what they give to people who they give up on..”. I’m not mad that he made this comment, but it definitely stirred up lots of questions and confusion. All I want is to continue proper treatment so I can live a stable life despite my disorder. Everyone has different effects and reactions to medications, some good, some bad. I’ve read some people greatly benefit from lithium. Hopefully, I can benefit from it as well. Guess I’ll never know if I don’t try. If you have any advice/comments/questions that may help me, I would greatly appreciate it!! 🙂

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Exercises to build self-esteem: #6. Setting your goals

All that I am, all that I ever was...

The past, the present…

Have you ever looked at another person and wonder how they do it? How they overcome all forms of adversity to become someone brilliant, someone talented, someone the world looks up to? The answer, unsurprisingly given the theme of the week, is confidence. It doesn’t matter whether you conform to societal ideals of beauty or if you have a piece of paper with a few letters scribbled on it, what matters is how you see who you were, who you are and who you want to be.

This week we have examined exercises that deal with both past and present. The things we are grateful for; the many things we love about ourselves; the simple joys and pleasures of life. Today, it’s time to think about the future.

…and the future!

Quite often, those with low self-esteem have a difficult time believing they…

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I deserve to heal. I still have to tell myself this, that I deserve to heal. On some days, most days, I find myself staring at the cupboard in discomfort, self punishment begging from the corner. I have to remember. I deserve to heal. I do not need to be punished. I am neither insufficient nor in excess. I am human. I deserve to be okay.

12/07/2015

Earlier this week I had Monday and Tuesday off of work, which would normally be great for most people. Not me though. I must follow a schedule on the weekdays, stay active and stay outdoors. After an exhausting night at work Sunday, I plopped on my mattress and go into my “hibernation zone” (as my family likes to call it). In my mind, I try to think about how I deserve to relax and rest, so I try to calm the racing, overwhelming thoughts of what has and hasn’t been done on my to-do list – whatever that was earlier on this week. I try to drown out the negative thoughts. I take my last dosage of medication for the day. Finally, peace. I awake Monday afternoon around 2pm, pissed off because I’m already feeling the guilt off not getting my day started earlier, so I persuade myself to fall back into a daze, and I do. No meds taken. Fast forward to the next night, Tuesday around 8pm – Why can’t I just be motivated? WHY? why ? why…? guilt, shame, embarrassment, isolation – it all comes along with the agony of knowing I just wasted two beautiful days inside, on my bed, watching repetitive tv shows and feel even worse.

depr cna

Heart so huge, I wonder if they’ll ever know. I hurt, I weep, but maybe it doesn’t show. I worry, I cry, stress then panic. Why is it that my life’s become so manic? Behavior is erratic, don’t know how to take it, predictably an addict. Just rehab for a bit, then go out and fake it. You’re good at it, well not anymore. What is that voice I try to ignore? Thoughts are sporadic, impulsive, to the point. Not meant to hurt, but just to annoint. Life’s so complicated and I’ve raised the stakes high. I want to give it another shot, but I’m afraid of getting denied. You gotta take a chance, give it guts and glory, so by the time you’re where you want to be you can tell your story.

Hello World

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These are the days I live for. The laughter and love I experience with my brother and friend. It’s the little moments of joy we must hold onto and cherish. I believe it’s days like this that give me hope during those low periods in life.